7 Very Funny Stories from a Very Funny Writer of a Very Funny Book
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                                                                      Praise Be To....

    It has been a tough week in the world of Entertainment, as The Saint/007/Roger
    Moore, no less, finishes his biography on Wikipedia today (5-23-2017).  I am
    running out of heroes these days; I am just sayin', if William Shatner and "Mean"
    Joe Greene dies, my childhood is over.  I haven't even graduated from 5th grade
    yet (Yes, it is absolutely ridiculous, and true.).  And, if Alternative Rock/Metal
    legends keep dying, I will end up buying all my music from late-night TV
    infomercials and discounted themed cruises.  Somehow the likes of Ozzy and
    Keith Richards keep cashing-in on longevity, like a Southern Baptist Billy
    Graham crusade.   

    Y'all R.I.P.,

    D. Votion

    I just bought, and used, a new personal trimmer called the Micro Groomsman;
    how fitting is that for the ratio of bridesmaids to weddings in which I have
    partaken?  Wow; I can breathe/smell things better, hear, and my eyebrows aren't
    from Sesame Street anymore.  This moment for me, was like Tom Cruise on
    Oprah's couch  (Yes, I am that simple.), once I realized that my excess body hair
    had been offending me all these years.  Now that my face is cleaner than a baby
    chimp's, my dating profile may go viral. Stand by.

    Supermodels must feel fantastic!  If I could afford new underwear, I would go to
    the beach too.  I am not endorsing any products here either.  Especially
    Women's lingerie, which is just another obstacle that blocks milestones from any
    groom. You know, there are driverless cars now, so when can I get one of those
    robots to take care of things?  I just wanna get some...sleep; let technology do
    its thing and leave me alone on Valentine's Day.  The recliner in the den is my
    only Safe Space to watch O.W.N., and drink a juice box.

    While quieting the Drill Instructor,

    Vic Timhood
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                                               Are You a Shamed?

    It put me into tears. No, not my friends body shaming me; it was ice cream
    called Break-Up Brownie.  Can you imagine how I felt after I ate it?  I know; I
    wasn't even in a relationship.  I got scared thinking that The Bachelorette was
    never gonna give me a rose.  I called the script writers from my panic room

    Somehow I lived through childhood wearing Sears Roebuck Toughskins Jeans
    that were a size with the label of “Husky” attached.  Today we are just living in
    a world in which the Cookie Monster eats apples …. from the Garden of Eden;
    perhaps?  Last time I went there I got sunburned, when I couldn't find a fig leaf.  
    Now that is body shaming that can be expected when you go to a clothing-
    optional rooftop bar in Key West.  

    I also can't figure out why the new Wonder Woman is dressed like Zena.  Shame
    on them.  I called the script writers from my panic room couch.

    In seeing the really big picture,

    Mark Oldspeak

    P.S.  I am just sayin', post 1984 modern English is my second language, and
    superhero movies have evolved into something that I can't recognize.  In the
    next Superman film, I fully expect his outfit, not Clark Kent's, to be assless
    chaps with a pink cape; there will also be a scene of him cooking kale for his
    book club.   Amongst all this confusion, Bugs Bunny is too violent?   I am
    sticking with William Shatner and "Mean" Joe Greene.   I mean, ....
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                                                                        Stained Glass

    Glass ceilings are built to let sunlight penetrate an area inside a building;
    somehow this is interpreted as sealing women out of the corporate hierarchy, or
    career $uccess (Yes, it is always about money, and possibly, uncomfortable
    shoes.).  I always thought it was a term Peeping Toms used as a viewpoint.  
    Maybe the Flat Earthers are right, and we live in a dome.

    Well, there is now a woman added to the House of Representatives, and she is
    also the first Republican woman from Georgia elected to Congress.  Yet, the
    Looking-Glass media focuses on the outcome's effects on preferred political
    parties, and not the winner that was the underdog in the polls.  Where is the
    glass ceiling now?  Oh that's right; she will only be making 75% of the salary of
    the men in Congress, but somehow still have better healthcare than what
    Planned Parenthood can offer.

    If one of the candidates really cared about the district, Georgia, the country, or
    you, they would have conceded the election under the agreement to build new
    grade school there, with the $50 Million from both parties “donations”.  Yeah,
    party lines/lies are so important to the voter; yet the winners, across the board,
    don't ever seem to care about you until the next election cycle.  They also
    always seem to make more money than their salary, and get re-elected.  This 2-
    party system is just as corrupt as a single party system.  We gotta party-on and
    raise-the-roof/shatter-the-glass-ceiling on this crap and get more viewpoints with
    better humans working for the people.

    It is a sad state, when most major news networks have to use the words “Truth”
    and “Real” in their taglines and comments now (Pravda?).  I am just sayin', that
    evidence of collusion, should be a little more concrete.  I have already seen
    video of Tropical Storm Cindy that hasn't even happened yet.  When I grow up,
    I want to be an anonymous source and a reporter at the same time.  That is
    almost like being a legal Peeping Tom taking the 5th.

    From your hedgerow,

    (Anonymous)   PT News

    “Bull$hit produces greenhouse gas.” - - R. Machismo
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                                                                   Ripe for the Pickin'

    I discovered the problem with America's Health Care System, while
    viewing today's Senior Menu (You know what it is and how it smells; it is
    so different from any other chow line that I have ever been in, … when
    talking-up the ladies.).  How much applesauce, pears, and fruit medley can
    one eat in a lifetime?  Where are the canned nectarines for the fruit cup?  
    I think they are set aside for the elite, sitting on the shelf in the
    International Space Station next to the salt from the Sea of Tranquility.  
    Those damn Cosmonauts are meddling in the Senior Lunch Program in
    collusion with N.A.S.A. (Narrate Another Shortsighted Article).  I am no
    superhero and not claiming to be a peach, but in protest, I will be serving
    the fruits of my labor during my next book club meeting.  There is nothing
    fuzzy about that.

    In “bringing it” to the masses,

    Marx Anders    (The Pit Planter)
No Canned Nectarines for the Senior Lunch Menu by Mark Sanders Author of Machismos Creed
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                                                                        Assign a Sign                                                                            

    Have you ever noticed, well, anyone over 40 years-Jung (Yes, I find that term
    absurd too, and don't know if it is a misspeak, a misspelling, or just a misfortune.  I
    don't think too many people in their “Golden Years” give a damn about over-the-
    top P.C. Terminology.), that this sign reminds you of your Dad?  I was too Young
    and don't remember, but I can bet that the symbol on the right, didn't exist.  Those
    Old-School days are over.  Today, it is like One-Stop-Shopping for the House
    Husband; perfect!

    The transgender community has started getting their signage, so let's get hot on
    another addition to the placard.  When I am Golden, where am I supposed to change
    my diaper?  I want a big table too, so I can spread out … all my salves, wipes,
    sanitizers, sprays, powders, tp, paper towels for my hands (You know very well
    that only those useless blow dryers will be available then, and I won't be getting
    any younger by wasting my time in the restroom.), and diapers.  The last time I
    used a public restroom (A Unisex outhouse-style setup at a campground was the
    only option.), upon exiting, a young woman was outside to door to witness my
    bathroom bug-out bag for men … on sale now, in my entrepreneurial head.  I ran
    away, from the embarrassingly warm seat.  (I wish that part was fiction.)

    With preparation,

    B. Roombill
Funny Bathroom Sign Mark Sanders Humor Stories Author of Machismos Creed
                                                                       The Soul Eclipse

    I guess Sunny Bono and Gopher weren't enough for us?  Are Kid Rocky (The
    Cat in the Hat) and Trans Jenner (The World's Greatest Athlete) going to run for
    public office?  I hope so; they seem like the type of individuals that might
    actually work FOR the people of this country and accomplish what voter's want.  
    I am just sayin', sanctions on Russia were never on the ballot or any political
    party's brochure when I voted.  With all the decades of political experience of
    today's Congress, that is the national priority “for the people?”  Yep, Jenner and
    Rock will be a singing a duet soon.

    If all Americans are forced into paying an existence tax through a national health-
    care system, then Everyone should have Equal coverage.  It seems to me, that
    most people who claim to love the Affordable Care Act, are the people who
    have health insurance covered by a completely different system.  I may agree
    with the Law, once Nancy McCain and John Pelosi register into the ACA, so
    their existence will be taxed in this Animal Farm too.  Maybe they will be forced
    to finally read the damn thing.

    As for the politics of the so-called Climate Change, leg warmers were once
    popular, but global warming stole that accessory out of the wardrobe, only to be
    overrun by the much cooler yoga pants.  If all goes with the media's agenda,
    pretty soon we will all be wearing skirts.  I am signing up for Hula lessons to
    have the grass cool my chubby calves.

    When the day turns tonight,

    The Shadow Dancer